Welcome to my Digital Diary. 🖤
She was rational at times and people assumed she lacked emotions but there was a lot more to it.
What concerned her the most was herself.
There were burn marks on her thumbs, cut marks on her arms and legs; it gave her a sense of relief.
Her cutting behaviour became an addiction; compulsive behaviour.
She wanted something else, something different, something more.
Passion and romance, perhaps.
Or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms.
Perhaps something as simple as not being second.
It’s funny how big of an impact you have on me.
It’s like when I see you, you don’t even have to speak.
All you have to do is smile and it can make my day.
And then, that’s how I remember my reasons for loving you.
I notice everything, and by everything I literally mean everything.
I notice when someone stops hitting me up like they used to.
I notice when the way someone talks to me starts changing.
I notice the little things people do and the little things they use to do.
I notice when things change and when it’s no longer the same.
I notice every single little detail.
I just don’t say anything.
I know that what’s meant for me will happen, but I just need a minute or two to pull myself together.
Sometimes, the shit life throws at me gets heavy, that’s all.
I wanted to talk about it.
Damn it.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to yell.
I wanted to shout about it.
But all I could was whisper was…
“I’m fine.”
Sometimes, someone comes into your life that changes everything.
Raises your standards.
Makes you laugh and makes you feel like you again.
There is something about them that you can’t put into words.
And even though you’re not even with them, you don’t want to let them go.
It’s the kind of crush where I just finished putting up my away message, about to walk out the door.. and he signs on.
Then suddenly, whatever I was going to do.
Wherever I was going to go.. doesn’t matter anymore.
Talking to him does.
ᴛʜᴇʏ sᴀʏ ʟᴏɴɢ ᴅɪsᴛᴀɴᴄᴇ ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ᴡᴏʀᴋs ᴀɴᴅ ɪ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪs sᴛᴜᴘɪᴅ.
ʜᴇᴀʀᴛs ᴘɪᴄᴋ ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ, ɴᴏᴛ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇs. & ɪᴛ ᴋɪʟʟs ᴍᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ʜᴀᴘᴘᴇɴs ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴍɪʟᴇs ᴀᴡᴀʏ.
I really think there’s a reason I like him so much.
Something is telling me not to let him go.
Every time I follow my heart, it leads me to him.
I mean, what other explanation is there.
Why is it that he is all I can think about?
Why is it that no matter how upset I am, I see him and can’t help but smile?
Why is it that when he smiles at me, I get that feeling in my stomach?
And even when he’s broken my heart, and hurt me as much as anyone could ever hurt me..
When he lied to me and I hated him.
Why, then, did I still feel those same feelings?
Answer me that, and then I’ll tell you why I let him hurt me so much.
I hate when people ask me “why are you so quiet?”
Because I am.
That’s how I function.
I don’t ask others “why are you so noisy?
Why do you talk so much?”
It’s rude.
Another poem, another line.
Another girl pretending she’s fine.
Another hour, another day, she wishes she could get away.
Another heartbreak, another tear.
Another excuse she doesn’t want to hear.
Another paper, another pen.
She writes “she wants to be strong again”.
Another story, another lie.
Another night that she will cry.
Another band, another song.
Another day passed, slowly gone.
Another scream, another doubt.
“Kick me while I’m down”
Another forced smile, another broken heart.
Just another girl wishing life would restart.
ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ɴᴏ ɪᴅᴇᴀ ʜᴏᴡ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ʏᴏᴜ’ᴠᴇ ᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇᴅ ᴍᴇ.
ʏᴏᴜ ɢᴀᴠᴇ ᴍᴇ ʀᴇᴀsᴏɴs ᴛᴏ sᴍɪʟᴇ.
ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛs ᴛᴏ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ, ᴋɪssᴇs ᴛᴏ ᴅʀᴇᴀᴍ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ, ʙᴜᴛ ᴍᴏsᴛ ᴏғ ᴀʟʟ ʏᴏᴜ ɢᴀᴠᴇ ᴍᴇ ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀɪᴇs ᴛᴏ ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ғᴏʀɢᴇᴛ.
I’m the girl that seems to fit in everywhere, but honestly I don’t know where I actually fit in.
I’m the girl that seems to be pretty on the outside, but honestly, there is more to me than just my looks.
I’m the girl that seems to be constantly laughing and enjoying herself, but honestly, I am often crying and wishing everything would be different.
I’m the girl that seems to be really lucky to lead a happy family life, but honestly, you don’t live with me, so you don’t know what’s going on inside of my house.
I’m the girl that seems so perfect, but honestly I’m far from perfect.
Your perfect little girl yelled at you last night.
Your perfect little girl cries herself to sleep.
Your perfect little girl was broken by a boy.
Your perfect little girl hates you.
Your perfect little girl has given up on life.
Your perfect little girl wants to run away.
Your perfect little girl is very unhappy.
Your perfect little girl is on the edge of breaking.
Your perfect little girl keeps a lot of secrets.
Your perfect little girl deals with everything on her own.
Your perfect little girl had to grow up too fast.
Your perfect little girl.. isn’t so perfect anymore.
I’ve learned that goodbyes will always hurt.
Pictures never replace being there.
Memories, good or bad, will bring tears to your eyes, and words will never be able to replace the feelings.
The very first time I looked into his eyes, things changed forever.
The feeling I got was so indescribable.
The moment his body touched mine, it felt like time had stopped.
If your life was all you had to give to the one you loved, how could you not give it?
Our relationship has never followed the rules.
We’ve never been the kind of fairytale couple you see in the movies.
It seems like we’re either head over heels in love or crazy with frustration.
Were not perfect, and neither is this relationship.
But you know what? Its ours.
All ours.
The little jokes that only we understand.
The way our hands naturally find each other and the memories that seem so wonderful.
Now that we look back, Our relationship will never be perfect.
But it will always be an important part of me.
I dont know what’s in store for us.
But i know i want you in my life.
I know that i love you.
& i know that i’d rather be “real” with you, Than “fairy tale” with anyone else.
You’re killing me.
Every thought leads to you.
Every breath hurts.
I can’t breathe at times.
Every smile i manage to have ends in horrifying pain because of you.
I can never escape from the anguish you bring me.
Somehow, it all leads to you.
Every move i make feels like torture.
All because of you.
But now, you’re just another part of her past..
A memory more faded every day.
Someday, she’ll find the one she deserves.
They were right when they said love was the slowest form of suicide.
Because his lips are laced with cyanide, and I’m so addicted to his kiss.
I’ve slowly realized that the ones I wanted aren’t all that my imagination has made them out to be.
It’s much colder being alone without the fires of fantasy burning.
So much darker without the light of hope flickering in the night.
Sometimes i get so sad.
So sad that i completely shut down.
I stare blankly at the wall, and it doesn’t matter what you say to me.
Because in that moment, i don’t exist.
What’s wrong with me..?
Im not allowed to be happy.
I wonder if i will be happy this time around..
Maybe, not..
Hopefully, this will be the last time.
Maybe this is how it was supposed to be.
Yes.
You have lost me forever.
I used to think i couldn’t go a day without your smile.
Without telling you things and hearing your voice back.
Then, that day arrived and it was so damn hard but the next was harder.
And i knew with a sinking feeling it was going to get worse, and i wasn’t going to be okay for a very long time.
Because losing someone isn’t an occasion or an event.
It doesn’t just happen once.
It happens over and over again.
I lose you every time i pick up your favourite coffee mug.
Whenever that one song plays on the radio, or when i discover your old shirt at the bottom of my laundry pile.
I lose you every time i think of kissing you, holding you or wanting you.
I go to bed at night and lose you, when i wish i could tell you about my day.
In the morning, when i wake and reach for the empty space across the sheets, I begin to lose you all over again
Plain & Simple. 
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