and then one day, everything changed..

I have had so much going on these last few months health wise. So I decided to document my journey, so that one day when I beat all of this, I can look back on it all.


𝗛𝗶𝗶𝗶, 𝗶𝗺 𝗡𝗶𝗸𝗶𝗶, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗜 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗜 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗖𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝗖𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲𝗿.

November 4th, 2025..

Today i had an appointment with a gynecologist, and received some scary news… I may have uterine cancer, or pre cancer cells.. I had a biopsy done, (Which was painful as fuck, btw) and a pap test. we will know more December 16th.

November 20. 2025..

Today i had an appointment for my pap test results. Apparently my results are extremely abnormal, and I am in the bracket for cervical cancer. I am being referred to the hospital for further, very invasive testing in the next week or two. I see my doctor again on December 16th for my uterine biopsy results.

I have Cervical Cancer… will I have uterine cancer as well?

Life is currently sucking.. 🖤

𝑊𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑎𝑛𝑔𝑒𝑟𝑠 𝑛𝑜𝑤.

𝐒𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐧 𝐛𝐲 𝐚 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝. 𝐀 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐝 𝐭𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐟𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐬, 𝐡𝐢𝐝𝐝𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐛𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞. 🖤

I wish I could be the person he wanted.

If one day we go back to being strangers, it’s okay.

That doesn’t mean I hate you, or I’ve forgotten about you.

It just simply means that I am giving you back your peace.

I want you to live your life the way you deserve it.

Meeting you and falling in love with you wasn’t a mistake.

Can i ask you a question?

𝐶𝑎𝑛 𝐼 𝑏𝑒 ℎ𝑒𝑟?

𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡’𝑠 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦 𝑜𝑛 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑚𝑖𝑛𝑑. 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑤𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑎𝑙𝑤𝑎𝑦𝑠 𝑟𝑒𝑝𝑙𝑦 𝑓𝑎𝑠𝑡 𝑡𝑜. 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑚𝑎𝑘𝑒𝑠 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑑𝑎𝑦. 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢’𝑑 𝑑𝑜 𝑎𝑛𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑓𝑜𝑟. 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑠𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑒 𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠𝑡𝑜𝑝 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡. 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑔𝑖𝑟𝑙 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑛 𝑎𝑛𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔.

𝐶𝑎𝑛 𝐼 𝑏𝑒 ℎ𝑒𝑟?
𝐼’𝑑 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒 𝑖𝑛 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑝𝑜𝑠𝑖𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛.🖤

I tell people im tired, because it’s easier.

It seems the only way to escape it, is to completely detach.

But if you detach too much, you begin to dissipate, dissociate, and dissolve into the abyss.

So I’ll go down this road again, and let my mind fool me another time, but i know how this ends.

Not sad. Not happy. Just empty.

The hot sun was starting to feel like a dagger, and the dread of the next day was creeping in.

Your thoughts don’t make sense, your body doesn’t feel like yours, and the world outside feels distant.

Stretched thin by life

The light in my mind seemed dim.

The voice in my head was slowly suffocating me.

This emptiness clings to me.

I try to ignore it, try to smile through it, but when I’m alone, it all comes crashing down.

The silence becomes unbearable, and the tears come without warning.

I wish I could just disappear for a while, maybe forever.

Maybe my tone betrayed me or my emotions got tangled up in the words

There are words you swallowed, phrases that got stuck in your throat, and silences that screamed inside you.

Every mark on your skin is a story you have lived, a battle you have won.

You broke in ways no one saw.

You screamed in silence.

You smiled while bleeding out.

 She didn’t want to be perfect, she just wanted to be seen.

But no one saw.

No one ever stayed long enough to notice when I disappeared.

I did my best to be everything.

But I didn’t realize how empty I’d feel. 

 

Im sorry for walking into your life

If you’re done with me, or you’ve lost interest, just be honest.

Don’t slowly disappear, don’t ignore my messages, and don’t respond like you never cared.

That silent distance, those cold replies – they hurt more than the truth ever could.

I’d rather honesty than be left wondering what I did wrong.

If you don’t feel the same anymore just say it.

Don’t break me by fading out like I never mattered.

The moment I realized

All the words he said, the promises, the little moments – I thought they were just ours.

But I realized they weren’t, and something in me broke.

The girl who feels everything.

Sometimes I can’t control my mood, emotions, silence, and anger.

Please know that I’m trying my best.

Sometimes my emotions get too heavy, and I struggle to express what I truly feel.

I was fighting every urge in my body.

I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. I just can’t.

I can’t sleep at night knowing that the next day will be just like the previous.

I’m tired of everything.

I’m tired of staying up all night.. thinking.. and crying.

I’m just so fucking tired.

I didn’t want to say goodbye..

I loved you the most, but this time, i don’t have the engery to fight my thoughts.

She locked herself away.

Didn’t give anyone a key.

She didn’t even say goodbye.

and was swallowed by the sea.

And if one day I actually start to matter, please let me know..

Though you may have forgotten me.

Though you may have moved on with your life.

I just wanted to let you know that I think about you all the time.

We may not talk any longer, and it might be true that you don’t care, but even after all these days, the mark you left is still here.

I will always remember you because you showed me the light in the dark, and whether the skies are grey or blue, you’ll take up a space in my heart.

Most days, I try to act tough even though I feel like dying, but I refuse to tell you because i don’t want you to know how sad I am.

I rather keep those kinds of windows shut so you don’t feel sorry for me.

ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ’ᴛ ᴇxᴘᴇᴄᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ғɪɴᴇ, ᴀɴᴅ ɪ ᴄᴀɴᴛ ᴇxᴘᴇᴄᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴏ ᴄᴀʀᴇ.

It’s hard.. finding out someone you once loved so much no longer has feelings for you.

Thinking things could be like they were.

My fault though for being delusional.

I didn’t know.. I didn’t know id fuck up.

All I ever wanted was to be the only one.

But now I’m nothing.. 

I don’t know how to move on, how to be your friend.

All I know is that I have to try.

Documenting My Mental Health Journey.. 🖤

Today is day 3 of taking my new meds. Once a day for both. Quetiapine Fumarate and Escitaloprám Oxalate. The doc says you don’t notice much of a difference till a few weeks in… but today, I am tired. My body feels it. I also have a slight headache. But I’m pushing through.

One day at a time… I got this. 🖤

.. of course you would.

Haven’t spoken to my parents since before Christmas.. but for some idiotic reason I decided to text them. My stepmom called me. Told her my currently health issues. What did she do? Shrug it off and hung up on me because I told her I couldn’t afford Christmas this year.

Texted my dad. Told him what happened. He wants me to apologize. Like, for what? I didn’t do anything wrong but be ridiculously sick. But k. I didn’t. Which is why we haven’t spoken. I have nothing to apologize for.

Saw a pyschiatrist this week. Got an answer to my mental state. What did he say? That it’s some kind of joke. You can’t possibly have all these things wrong with you. Like I’d lie. Like no father. Maybe you should be questioning my childhood. Why am I this way? Why?! Honestly. But he won’t. I will always be the one to blame.

I have 4 “parents” .. but how many do I have really? O.

I’m trying..

Today, after a long ass wait. I was finally seen by a pyschiatrist. People judge, and think people get seen so they “don’t have to work”. But that isn’t the case. People get seen because they’re looking for help. They want to understand why they are the way they are. The pyschiatrist doesn’t ask you questions about your childhood, and your history for no reason. Today, I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety, General Anxiety, BPD, and Major Depression Disorder. & suggests i continue with therapy. It was super hard to talk about certain things with him, but answering the questions really makes you think about things. Honestly. It’s just nice to have an answer for my mental health issues. 💜

I’m sad. But I smile.

Death sits in the chair across from me and watches.

Death sees but has no eyes.

Death knows but has no mind.

We often sit together in the night.

Death has one move left.

I have none.

Welcome back suicidal thoughts; long time no see.

She was rational at times and people assumed she lacked emotions but there was a lot more to it.

What concerned her the most was herself.

There were burn marks on her thumbs, cut marks on her arms and legs; it gave her a sense of relief.

Her cutting behaviour became an addiction; compulsive behaviour.

Plain & Simple.

She wanted something else, something different, something more.

Passion and romance, perhaps.

Or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms.

Perhaps something as simple as not being second.

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