Tag: anxiety

and then one day, everything changed..

I have had so much going on these last few months health wise. So I decided to document my journey, so that one day when I beat all of this, I can look back on it all.

𝗛𝗶𝗶𝗶, 𝗶𝗺 𝗡𝗶𝗸𝗶𝗶, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗜 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗜 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗖𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝗖𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲𝗿.

November 4th, 2025..

Today i had an appointment with a gynecologist, and received some scary news… I may have uterine cancer, or pre cancer cells.. I had a biopsy done, (Which was painful as fuck, btw) and a pap test. we will know more December 16th.

November 20. 2025..

Today i had an appointment for my pap test results. Apparently my results are extremely abnormal, and I am in the bracket for cervical cancer. I am being referred to the hospital for further, very invasive testing in the next week or two. I see my doctor again on December 16th for my uterine biopsy results.

I have Cervical Cancer… will I have uterine cancer as well?

Life is currently sucking.. 🖤

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𝑊𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑎𝑛𝑔𝑒𝑟𝑠 𝑛𝑜𝑤.

𝐒𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐧 𝐛𝐲 𝐚 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝. 𝐀 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐝 𝐭𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐟𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐬, 𝐡𝐢𝐝𝐝𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐛𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞. 🖤

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I wish I could be the person he wanted.

If one day we go back to being strangers, it’s okay.

That doesn’t mean I hate you, or I’ve forgotten about you.

It just simply means that I am giving you back your peace.

I want you to live your life the way you deserve it.

Meeting you and falling in love with you wasn’t a mistake.

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We were an open tab. An unsent message. A song that stopped mid-verse.

You didn’t block me.

You didn’t unfriend me.

You just stopped choosing me, and somehow that hurt more than goodbye.

One day I was the first person you texted. The one you laughed with. The one you vented to, and the one you counted on.

Then slowly you stopped replying, stopped sharing things, stopped showing up.

No fight.

No explanation.

Just silence.

The worst part.. you still exist in my world.

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Can i ask you a question?

𝐶𝑎𝑛 𝐼 𝑏𝑒 ℎ𝑒𝑟?

𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡’𝑠 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦 𝑜𝑛 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑚𝑖𝑛𝑑. 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑤𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑎𝑙𝑤𝑎𝑦𝑠 𝑟𝑒𝑝𝑙𝑦 𝑓𝑎𝑠𝑡 𝑡𝑜. 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑚𝑎𝑘𝑒𝑠 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑑𝑎𝑦. 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢’𝑑 𝑑𝑜 𝑎𝑛𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑓𝑜𝑟. 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑠𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑒 𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠𝑡𝑜𝑝 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡. 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑔𝑖𝑟𝑙 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑛 𝑎𝑛𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔.

𝐶𝑎𝑛 𝐼 𝑏𝑒 ℎ𝑒𝑟?
𝐼’𝑑 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒 𝑖𝑛 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑝𝑜𝑠𝑖𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛.🖤

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I tell people im tired, because it’s easier.

It seems the only way to escape it, is to completely detach.

But if you detach too much, you begin to dissipate, dissociate, and dissolve into the abyss.

So I’ll go down this road again, and let my mind fool me another time, but i know how this ends.

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Not sad. Not happy. Just empty.

The hot sun was starting to feel like a dagger, and the dread of the next day was creeping in.

Your thoughts don’t make sense, your body doesn’t feel like yours, and the world outside feels distant.

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Stretched thin by life

The light in my mind seemed dim.

The voice in my head was slowly suffocating me.

This emptiness clings to me.

I try to ignore it, try to smile through it, but when I’m alone, it all comes crashing down.

The silence becomes unbearable, and the tears come without warning.

I wish I could just disappear for a while, maybe forever.

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I never realized how much my trauma affected me

They said something, not even realizing it cut deep, and suddenly, everything went silent except for the voices in my head.

It was like they were screaming at me, and I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

All I wanted was to run, to escape, to be somewhere far away from those words, from this feeling.

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Maybe my tone betrayed me or my emotions got tangled up in the words

There are words you swallowed, phrases that got stuck in your throat, and silences that screamed inside you.

Every mark on your skin is a story you have lived, a battle you have won.

You broke in ways no one saw.

You screamed in silence.

You smiled while bleeding out.

 She didn’t want to be perfect, she just wanted to be seen.

But no one saw.

No one ever stayed long enough to notice when I disappeared.

I did my best to be everything.

But I didn’t realize how empty I’d feel. 

 

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Im sorry for walking into your life

If you’re done with me, or you’ve lost interest, just be honest.

Don’t slowly disappear, don’t ignore my messages, and don’t respond like you never cared.

That silent distance, those cold replies – they hurt more than the truth ever could.

I’d rather honesty than be left wondering what I did wrong.

If you don’t feel the same anymore just say it.

Don’t break me by fading out like I never mattered.

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The moment I realized

All the words he said, the promises, the little moments – I thought they were just ours.

But I realized they weren’t, and something in me broke.

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Life is so private… no one knows I’m at my lowest again

I keep pretending everything is okay.

Convincing myself that it’s just a rough patch, nothing to worry about.

But deep down, I feel it – how things are slowly falling apart.

It’s getting harder to breathe, harder to smile, harder to carry the weight.

There’s this emptiness that clings to me.

I keep every memory like a wound I don’t let heal.

I try to ignore it, try to smile through it, but when I’m alone, it all comes crashing down.

They don’t realize that behind my smiles and my small laughs, I’m carrying so much pain – pain that makes me question my existence every single day.

Every word, every look, it cuts deeper than they could ever know.

I just wish I knew where to rest, where to breathe without feeling like I’m drowning, because right now…

I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending I’m fine.

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She will fight her demons alone

When I cry, it’s not just about that moment.

It’s years of holding it together when I should’ve fallen apart.

It’s all the words I never said.

The times I told everyone I was fine when I wasn’t.

But I don’t just cry.

I unravel.

It’s like my body remembers every heartbreak.

Every disappointment.

Every time I felt invisible or not enough.

It’s like I’m reliving all the pain I thought I buried a long time ago.

Like it never really left.

And I know when I’m being irrational.

I know my reactions are extreme, but knowing doesn’t stop the spiral.

Knowing doesn’t quiet the voice in my head.

One small shift in someone’s tone, and it feels like my entire world is collapsing.

Every goodbye feels like the end of the world.

Every delayed text or distant tone sends my brain spiraling into worst case scenarios.

My mind is at war, and I’m stuck in the middle trying to make sense of the chaos.

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The girl who feels everything.

Sometimes I can’t control my mood, emotions, silence, and anger.

Please know that I’m trying my best.

Sometimes my emotions get too heavy, and I struggle to express what I truly feel.

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I was fighting every urge in my body.

I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. I just can’t.

I can’t sleep at night knowing that the next day will be just like the previous.

I’m tired of everything.

I’m tired of staying up all night.. thinking.. and crying.

I’m just so fucking tired.

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I’ve seen love for what it is, and I no longer envy the fairytales.

“She’s not answering. She must be sleeping.”

Wrong.

If im not answering, l’m likely laying in bed, having an anxiety attack along with a depressive episode.

Im probably also thinking about all the stupid choices I’ve made, wondering why l’m never good enough for anything or anyone.

Wishing someone would hug me. Wishing someone would call me and ask me how Im doing.

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Maybe one day I’ll be loved…

Doubts. But a girl can dream. Right?

I hope one day you realise how much I truly loved you.

How i was down for only you, no matter what you thought.

I have and always will be there for you no matter what anyone thinks about it.

I think about you every day, and it hurts like hell.

I love you, and that’s why I want you to get everything you want in life.

So I’m letting you go do whatever you want.

I’m not wanted, and l’ve now realised that, and it’s ok.

No more trying my genuine hardest to make this work, make us work.

There is no point if we aren’t both in it together.

I can’t force you to be in love with me as i am with you’and it’s ok.

I have to learn to move on and accept what has happened. Accept that you fell out of love with me.

It’s like grieving a person. Except you’re not dead.

Grieving the person I thought I knew. Grieving the sweet man who showed me that i can be myself.

I fell in love with who you are as a person.

The man i opened my heart to.

The man I thought loved me like I loved you.

But now.. it’s all over.

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In a perfect world ; This would never happen.

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t be on 2 types of antidepressants.

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t be constantly tired.

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have to fight this hard to be loved.

In a perfect world, I’d be loved for the mess that I am.

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have been drugged and raped at the age of 16.

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have been locked in a basement and abused for 4.5 years.

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t be reliving my truama over and over again.

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And if one day I actually start to matter, please let me know..

Though you may have forgotten me.

Though you may have moved on with your life.

I just wanted to let you know that I think about you all the time.

We may not talk any longer, and it might be true that you don’t care, but even after all these days, the mark you left is still here.

I will always remember you because you showed me the light in the dark, and whether the skies are grey or blue, you’ll take up a space in my heart.

Most days, I try to act tough even though I feel like dying, but I refuse to tell you because i don’t want you to know how sad I am.

I rather keep those kinds of windows shut so you don’t feel sorry for me.

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I could never erase you..

What if I don’t want to stop loving him..

but I don’t wanna be just one of his options..

My heart hurts.

I just wanna be the only one..

How do you stay friends with someone when you want more, but they don’t.. 

I’m struggling so much.

The truth is . . . it doesn’t matter.

I’m going to love him for as long as I can, because that’s what makes me happy.

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ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ’ᴛ ᴇxᴘᴇᴄᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ғɪɴᴇ, ᴀɴᴅ ɪ ᴄᴀɴᴛ ᴇxᴘᴇᴄᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴏ ᴄᴀʀᴇ.

It’s hard.. finding out someone you once loved so much no longer has feelings for you.

Thinking things could be like they were.

My fault though for being delusional.

I didn’t know.. I didn’t know id fuck up.

All I ever wanted was to be the only one.

But now I’m nothing.. 

I don’t know how to move on, how to be your friend.

All I know is that I have to try.

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Documenting My Mental Health Journey.. 🖤

Today is day 3 of taking my new meds. Once a day for both. Quetiapine Fumarate and Escitaloprám Oxalate. The doc says you don’t notice much of a difference till a few weeks in… but today, I am tired. My body feels it. I also have a slight headache. But I’m pushing through.

One day at a time… I got this. 🖤

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.. of course you would.

Haven’t spoken to my parents since before Christmas.. but for some idiotic reason I decided to text them. My stepmom called me. Told her my currently health issues. What did she do? Shrug it off and hung up on me because I told her I couldn’t afford Christmas this year.

Texted my dad. Told him what happened. He wants me to apologize. Like, for what? I didn’t do anything wrong but be ridiculously sick. But k. I didn’t. Which is why we haven’t spoken. I have nothing to apologize for.

Saw a pyschiatrist this week. Got an answer to my mental state. What did he say? That it’s some kind of joke. You can’t possibly have all these things wrong with you. Like I’d lie. Like no father. Maybe you should be questioning my childhood. Why am I this way? Why?! Honestly. But he won’t. I will always be the one to blame.

I have 4 “parents” .. but how many do I have really? O.

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I’m trying..

Today, after a long ass wait. I was finally seen by a pyschiatrist. People judge, and think people get seen so they “don’t have to work”. But that isn’t the case. People get seen because they’re looking for help. They want to understand why they are the way they are. The pyschiatrist doesn’t ask you questions about your childhood, and your history for no reason. Today, I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety, General Anxiety, BPD, and Major Depression Disorder. & suggests i continue with therapy. It was super hard to talk about certain things with him, but answering the questions really makes you think about things. Honestly. It’s just nice to have an answer for my mental health issues. 💜

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Plain & Simple.

She wanted something else, something different, something more.

Passion and romance, perhaps.

Or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms.

Perhaps something as simple as not being second.

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